The Real Reason Chris Christie Won't Run in 2012

“Lower taxes” “Cut the Deficit!” “Tort Reform!” It’s that time of year again! It’s politician season!

The governor of the Great State of New Jersey just declared officially, for perhaps the 829,729^th  time that he will not, repeat not, be running for president this go around.  Considering that he has the same amount of political experience as your average 2 year old has of life experience, millions of GOP-ers are speculating about his real reason for declining to run.

Some say it’s Chris Christie’s health that’s holding him back and others back his claim that it’s not his time or something. I think he's staying put for a different reason. I think there won’t be any Chris Christie 2012 banners or commercials because of the NJ Lotto scandal that appears to have grounded his campaign before it even got off the floor.

The NJ Lotto claims to be among the most successful and efficient ones in the country.  And who wouldn’t? With over $2.6 billion in revenue and $924 million in payouts to educational and other institutions, I say let’s have two lotteries so we can fix this cash-shortage problem right up.

But the lottery system and, indeed, Christie’s very tenure as governor are threatened by the usual culprit: unnecessary government waste. This particular variety comes in the form of—I kid you not—plastic lottery ticket holders.

“What’s a lottery ticket holder?” When I called the NJlotto office to ask about one that I found at the grocery store, we had a nice little chat:

“What’s it for?” I asked.
“It’s for your lotto tickets,” she responded.
“Right but I mean, what do you do with them?”
“You put them in it and then when you’re ready to play you take them out!” My ignorance with regard to this matter perturbed her. 

These lotto-ticket holders (like the cup holder in your car, only unnecessary because they seem to function just the same as say, a table or drawer where you could also put your tickets) can be picked up at your local lotto retailer. They can be used until you misplace them, and then they can be thrown away because who knows if that vinyl is recyclable.

No one was around to answer my questions about how many of these plastic sleeves are in circulation, and forget asking about how much it costs. All I can do is assume that these lotto-sleeves (like your shirt sleeves, only they don’t keep you warm) are wasting money and depleting resources. Why can I assume this? Because I can tell, just by looking at them, that they're made of plastic and are cheap enough that they'll be disposed of rather quickly.

So that’s why we won’t be seeing Christie on the national stage next year. As long as this wasteful scandal lurks just beneath the charismatic surface, he doesn’t stand a chance. 

Give your dreams a chance, all right.

Bonus Photos: At first I thought the sleeve was a wallet where you put your winnings. Silly me. Here are my before and after photos meant to demonstrate this thesis:

Before winning the lottery: oh no! I'm broke! What do I even need this wallet for? Better hold on to it just in case.

After: Wooo! I think that looks like at least $14. Good thing I have a piece of plastic to hold on to my winnings, otherwise I'd lose them.